4 am Thoughts on Sexuality & My First Crushes.

What is sexuality? Are we born with an orientation? Is it in our DNA?

No one really knows. In my faith, the Bible teaches that God created Adam and Eve as complimentary to each other for procreation and because He said: “It’s not good for man (Adam) to be alone.” So, God created for him a help-meet, a friend, companion. It’s obvious that the penis fits in the vagina and sperm and egg combine to create human life. But, after Adam and Eve disobeyed God and ate fruit from the forbidden tree in the garden of eden things changed… mankind fell from grace and sin entered into the hearts of Adam and Eve. Purity was gone. So is THIS where sexuality became convoluted? Where homosexuality came about?

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Who knows. I sure don’t. I can most assuredly bet YOU don’t either. There are powerful hormones like testosterone and estrogen that help mold and make our sex organs and help us perform sex acts. They are influential in puberty, sexual attraction etc. But what happens in the womb if these hormones are out of balance? Is that why one turns out gay or lesbian? Why a guy can appear masculine but have slightly more feminine traits? Or a girl, though completely feminine on the outside, can still be very much sexually attracted to women? Or why some women are masculine and men are feminine?

Again, your guess is as good as mine.

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All I know is, none of this is by choice. It’s not like everyone is automatically born straight like an assembly line production. It’s not like something went wrong after I was produced, let’s say, between womb and age two, that tarnished my straightness. We can’t just tinker repair it. Or we can just wash away that pesky gayness to reveal the straight, perfectly normal heterosexual version of Joey that’s been there all along. He doesn’t exist. He never was. It’s not there. I looked, trust me. I tried to find him for many, many, many years.

I liken it to eye color. Who can change their eye color by praying, wishing, begging God… no one. You can put contacts in, sure, but underneath you’ll still  have the same color eyes you were born with, the color that you were always meant to have. Does your eye color define you? No. But it’s a part of you. Are making it your identity to say you’re a browned eyed guy? No. Or a greened girl? No. It’s just saying that it’s who you are. It’s something that makes you uniquely you. Imagine spending all your life wishing away your eye color, hoping you wouldn’t wake up the next morning because you were so ashamed that you were the only browned eyed family member in a blue eyed family, wondering why God would create you different, with this stigma, this thing in you that you never asked for, that sets you apart from the rest, and makes you so wholly different that you wonder if you’ll ever find anywhere you feel normal.

Who in their right mind would willingly choose such a thing?

All I know is my earliest memories of being attracted to guys were my brother’s friends. I have five older brothers, no sisters. There are two memories that stand out a third memory of a camp counselor but by that time I knew why I was attracted to him.

  1. My brother D. is 11 years older than me. I remember my parents let him have a Halloween party one year. He was married very young and out of the house by 17. So if he was still living home he was younger than 17 and I was pretty little. I remember one of his friends break dancing in our yard, yes it was the early 80s, on a cardboard box. I don’t remember what the guy looked like but I remember he had floppy blonde hair and I remember I liked looking at him. I was enthralled with him. I was attracted to him. Where did that come from at such a young age?
  2. My other memory was my other brother C. He’s six years older than me. One day one of his friends was over the house and the memory is simple, his friend M. was in our kitchen and he smiled at me. I feel like I was between 6 and 8. When M. smiled at me it stirred something in my belly. I just remember I liked the way he looked at me and enjoying his handsome face. I didn’t know know why exactly but I liked it, I liked him. I had a crush on him for years after that.
  3. At about 10 years old my brother J. and I were put into a summer Day Camp for two weeks. J. is only 14 months older than me. The first day of camp we walked into this school gym filled with tons of kids and I was SO nervous. I was very shy. In the crowded room my radar found the ONLY good looking teenage camp counselor. Immediately my heart fluttered and I thought to myself, “I hope he’s my counselor.” Sure enough, Ron, was my counselor for those two weeks and it was bliss. He was the sweetest, kindest, most loving kid. I remember the trip to Great Adventure. I just wanted to spend every second with Ron, go on every ride with him. On one ride we got squashed next to each other… what joy feeling his body next to me, so close, laughing with him. He was so sweet to me. I remember he had black hair and I sort of remember what he looked like. I wish I could find him and thank him for being so nice to a kid with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

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Now tell me, at what point in my little child brain did I CHOOSE ANY of that? And now tell me, at what point can I CHANGE any of this? And why should I live a life of loneliness and celibacy just because I’m different? I never asked to be different. I know this is radical thinking and it scares me too but what if, just what if, God has a purpose for me being this way? 

 

I’m Coming Out!

Excerpt:
Yep, I’m into dudes. I’ve been alone and so lonely all these years and now I’m 36… Never been in love, never was able to be my whole or true self around my parents who have now passed away, and have never known intimacy with another person.