I know it’s been a while and I know I initially had a goal to write something every day but so much has happened in my life since coming…
I think I need to do a life update & share how much I’ve grown and changed since accepting myself and how different life is now that I am living as a gay man. I’ll admit, it’s still a bit jarring to hear myself say those words but I’m getting used to it. You know, it hasn’t even been a year since my journey toward coming out and standing on my own two feet began. It’ll be a year this coming April.
So, where do I begin?
Well, sadly, I don’t really have a relationship with any of my brothers right now. It’s not that we’re NOT talking but things are different, especially with the three of the four that are conservative Christians. They simply do NOT believe I can be gay and be a Christian at the same time. But, instead of this making me shudder in fear of losing them I simply stood my ground and explained that this is me and I believe God has created me to be this way and either they accept me or they don’t but I will NOT live in fear, shame, or guilt ANYMORE.
I have learned to stand on my own two feet when it comes to family.
The other thing that’s changed is that’s I’ve lost weight! A total of 82 pounds so far!
My top weight was: 356 pounds (the photo on the right/left side)
My current weight is: 274 pounds (weighed just the other day 02/16/17)
Total weight lost: 82 pounds
Total weight left to lose: 54 pounds
Long term weight loss goal: 220 pounds.
I went from a 5/6 XL shirts to 2/3 XL and 48 inch waist pants to 40 inch waist.
At my last doctor’s visit my blood pressure was 104/60 whereas my pressure used to be dangerously HIGH! At one point it was 200/120.
I’m losing weight by still just cutting out sugar and soda primarily. Once a week I’ll treat myself to a little snack but six days a week I’m cutting back my portions and not eating junk food or drinking soda. Even on weekends I’m finding it easier and easier to say NO to soda… I just don’t want to put all that sugar in my body. It’s so freeing to know that I don’t need FOOD to stuff and fill the void anymore. I can fill the “void” with clothes, and friendships, and life, and dating, and living! There’s no void to fill anymore because I’m just living.
The other thing that’s been really positive in my life is that after a dark time of depression & some health problems that resulted in me losing my job at Time Warner Cable, I ended up getting a job for a major health insurance company doing customer service. I started training on November 3rd 2016 and almost immediately I knew that this job is exactly where I was meant to be. I’ll write more about it later but this blog is about my coming out and standing on my own two feet so all I’ll say is that this job is the first place in my life that I have ever been 100% myself, open, free, and without fear… and everyone in my training class from the instructor and every classmate embraced me and accepted me. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life to be… well, to be myself once and for all, just myself. No more hiding, no more shame, no more looking over my shoulder, living in a constant state of fear of being found out. They all knew I was gay and they didn’t care. It was so freeing just being me!
And lastly, my brother that I was living with and sadly, not getting along with since I came out… we finally went our separate ways. This was a good thing. He needed to go his way and I needed to go my way. Now he can find his life and I can live my life. So I’m staying with my niece and her husband and kids until I find my very first apartment of my own and I can finally be on my own and start my very own life.
On New Year’s Eve I realized that this was the first New Year’s Eve that I wasn’t dreading the new year… that I wasn’t filled with remorse and sadness for the previous year. I was filled with SO MUCH hope for the coming year! And I’m still filled with hope for the coming year. I’m changing more and more every day and I believe the best is yet to come.
And for no reason at all other than he’s gorgeous, here’s a photo of Aaron Kuttler, my man crush every day, all day. I got a thing for blondes with blue eyes. Enjoy!