I’m Coming Out!

Another blog. Woo Hoo. Said no one. Ever. *sarcasm* At least hear me out…

I decided to start this blog because I realized recently that I have a lot to say as someone that has been repressed, suppressed, and silenced for all of my adult life up until this point and I’m tired of it. I need to speak up and give my side of the story. I need to speak for those thatΒ can’t speak for themselves yet. So, here is my story of being gay, being ashamed, scared of being the person I am for fear of family finding out, fear of hurting my mother, fear of religious leaders rebuking me, being ostracized by church, becoming a pariah, labeled a degenerate and sodomite, called an abomination etc… the fear is enough to make anyone want to crawl under a rock and wish away their existence. In my case, I would lay in bed at night and wonder why God would even give me life if this life is justΒ filled with so much pain and mental torment thatΒ I never hadΒ a moments peace. Below is the declaration I posted on Facebook when I announced to the world that I’m GAY. Yes, I came out at 36 years old. Whew. Like it or not, hate me if you choose, this is me, this is who I am, not all of me but a part of me, part of what makes me me, I’m a guy that likes guys. I don’t why, I don’t know how, It just is. I like dudes.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to post this but I thought a lot about it and I kind of wanted to just get my story out in the open because I know this is a touchy subject and I know some people will strongly disagree with me… now is your chance to remove me, block me, etc…Β πŸ˜€Β Just know, this is my story for as long as I can remember, going back to about six years old. So, I made this flag because for the past 21 years (I became a born again Christian 21 years ago at age 15) I’ve been told who I am is wrong and I need to change or live a celibate life of loneliness to please God, because the love I desire is an abomination. As a 16 year old in church I heard those words as “YOU ARE AN ABOMINATION.” As the years passed, I tried reparative therapy and counseling but it doesn’t & didn’t work. I’ve tried praying, fasting, begging, pleading, weeping, abstaining, hating myself to the point of total self loathing that I ballooned up to 354 lbs just so no man (or woman) would ever find me attractive. All so I could hide my secret, hide my shame, that I was GAY. Well, it didn’t work and I’m still gay. Yep, I’m into dudes. I’ve been alone and so lonely all these years and now I’m 36… Never been in love, never was able to be my whole or true self around my parents who have now passed away, and have never known intimacy with another person. I fear I’ve wasted my best years. Even now I’m still being told I’m broken, that who I am is sin, that who I desire to love is wrong and that I can’t be in love with a guy while at the same time loving God. I’ll admit, I don’t have all the answers, it’s a mystery to me, but I’m willing to think and believe God’s ways are bigger than mine. Maybe HE has a divine plan for all of this, for ALL of me, just as I am. But in all the teachings and counseling, though sincere, what they didn’t understand is that THIS is who I am… NOT all of me, but a significant part of me, like eye color. This is who I’ve always been… And I can’t change… Even if I wanted to, even if I tried. And oh boy did I try and try and try… it’s exhausting. If only those that have never walked a day in our shoes, could spend a day in our hearts and our minds they would have a much greater empathy for us, for they would know just how painful it is to hear the things that are said to us… “Deviants, perverts, sodomites, nasty, miserable, Jezebels, demon possessed, mentally ill, disgusting, unnatural, abominations, haters of God, haters of God’s word, not to mention sissy, dykes, faggots, queers, homos, lesbos etc.” I digress. I’ve noticed that lately the people telling me to embrace my suffering life of celibacy and loneliness are the people happily married with a great spouse and a few lovely children while I got to bed alone every night. How easy to condemn ME to a life of misery and emptiness while they go home to warmth, intimacy, and love. I’m posting this because I’m done being ashamed for just being me. This is me, take me or leave me but no more trying to put me in a box and put me to shame. The bottom line folks, I’m DONE with wishing I was DEAD instead of just being myself.

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I’m Coming Out!

  1. I’m glad you’re out. I hope you will put some distance between you and the people who condemn you. I hope you will go to places and meet people that will love and respect you. If church is important, there are plenty of affirming congregations. Don’t let anyone tell you gay is bad. Cheers!

    Like

    1. Thank you, Brian. I appreciate your encouragement. My faith is important but I got burnt out with church about six years ago and haven’t gone back since. These experiences have been a build up over the years. Right now there are people of faith that are encouraging and people of faith that are loving but not happy with me. It’s the same with my immediate family. Some are all for me being happy and some love me but they’re not in agreement with me. What can I do? I can only live my life as I believe is right and do my best. I can’t please everyone. I’m just glad I finally found peace in who I am and the self loathing and hatred can finally stop.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s